1
00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:22,000
This programme contains
strong language.

2
00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:32,960
I don't know, Nick,
you're the accountant.

3
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:35,200
These books!
Yeah, I know.

4
00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:38,080
Hello, you in there?
Maybe. I'm not sure.

5
00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:43,240
Excuse me. I just wonder if...

6
00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:47,440
It'll be much simpler this time,
Nick, honestly.

7
00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:51,640
OK, all right.
See you in an hour. OK. Bye.

8
00:00:51,680 --> 00:00:54,000
Now.
Those books. How much?

9
00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:56,440
Hmm?
Those books. Leather bound.

10
00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:59,240
Yes, Dickens,
the collected works.

11
00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:00,800
They're real leather?

12
00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:02,800
They're real Dickens.

13
00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:06,720
I must know if they're real leather,
because they have to go with a sofa.

14
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Everything else in my house is real.

15
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Give you 200 for them.
200 what?

16
00:01:12,320 --> 00:01:16,200
£200.
Are they leather-bound pounds?

17
00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:17,560
No.

18
00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:21,240
Sorry, I need leather-bound pounds
to go with my wallet. Next!

19
00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:28,160
Hello.

20
00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:31,040
The Little Book Of Calm?
You have it? I need it.

21
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I'm late for work.
Calm. Little Book.

22
00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:35,960
Is this it?

23
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:40,360
No, no, too big! Little...
Just...little. Small.

24
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,120
This one?

25
00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:45,280
No! Calm! Little Book Of Calm.

26
00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:47,760
Little one. That's it! Yes!
Money. How much?

27
00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:49,040
£2.50.

28
00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:51,120
£2.50. Could I...?

29
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I'll just get you a bag.

30
00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:55,440
I.. no! No, thanks.
Don't need it. Just the book!

31
00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:57,760
I'll do a receipt.
No! I don't need a receipt.

32
00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:01,000
It's broken. I'll just write one.
(SLOWLY) Little...

33
00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:04,880
I'll do it!

34
00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:07,520
Of... Calm... 2.50. Thank you.

35
00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:10,640
Look,... (STAMMERS INCOHERENTLY)

36
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Try... to try... no...
L-l-l-let go once in a while,

37
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:19,440
you are a loose lily
floating down an amber river.

38
00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:22,080
(SIGHS)

39
00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:24,200
Sorry. I hate my job.

40
00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:29,080
What a strange man.

41
00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:35,840
RIGHT, SHOP IS CLOSED. EVERYBODY OUT.

42
00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:39,680
TIME TO GO HOME. COME ON.
What?! It's only a quarter to three.

43
00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:42,680
YES, BUT IT'S MY SHOP.
GO HOME. BYE-BYE.

44
00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:46,160
It's hardly fair.
NOT FAIR AT ALL. OUT! BYE-BYE.

45
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:50,840
I expect better service from...
EXPECT AWAY. OUT! BYE-BYE. GO ON,

46
00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:55,200
ALL YOU TIME-WASTING BASTARDS,
BACK ON THE STREETS.

47
00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:59,240
GOODBYE. THANK YOU. BYE-BYE. BACK TO
LIFE, BACK TO REALITY. THANK YOU.

48
00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:11,920
HOLLOW CLANGING

49
00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:14,160
SHE SNIFFS

50
00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:19,240
Do you want this? Buy this.

51
00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:20,880
What is it?
It's a thing.

52
00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:22,840
Is it?
Yes.

53
00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:25,760
What does it do?
It's very in.

54
00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:29,480
You don't know.
It's very now.

55
00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:32,800
Pop next door and mind the shop.
I have to see my accountant.

56
00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:36,880
Get an assistant, so I don't
have to do this all the time.

57
00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:41,600
I will do it this once. You do the
same for me, day after tomorrow.

58
00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:42,960
OK. Why?

59
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:44,920
You know my pal, Julie?
Yeah.

60
00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:49,800
They're inducing the baby on
Wednesday. I'm her birth partner.

61
00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:54,360
Ugh! It's gonna be very intense,
lot of blood and shouting.

62
00:03:54,400 --> 00:04:00,560
No! I'll just get drunk. In fact,
she'll be on drugs, I'll be drunk.

63
00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:02,960
It'll be just like the old days.

64
00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:05,480
OK. Have a nice time. Bye.

65
00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:13,840
Hello?

66
00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:18,840
I do sell a lot of wank, don't I?

67
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:25,040
Show me your new
filing system, Bernard.

68
00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:27,760
This is March...

69
00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:31,120
to er...booblyboo.

70
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:34,560
This is Misc...

71
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:37,480
and the rest are, er...

72
00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:39,480
other.

73
00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:42,920
Other what? Other weeks,
backdated weeks, is it?

74
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:45,760
No. Other...

75
00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:52,240
times. So it goes this week,
very recent, and all other times.

76
00:04:52,280 --> 00:04:56,320
You must help me out, Bernard.
What period is all other times?

77
00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:58,160
I don't know! I'm not...

78
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:01,520
..Wonderwoman!

79
00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:06,160
This new system is very closely
modelled on the old system.

80
00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:12,680
I'd go further than that. I'd say
it was more or less exactly the same.

81
00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:14,760
Except...

82
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:19,560
No, it's the same.
I lied on the phone, Nick, I lied.

83
00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:21,080
Well, I mean...

84
00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:24,480
(Did you hear that?)
What? What?

85
00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:26,640
Nothing. You're lucky I'm so...

86
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:31,720
..accommodating. A lot of other
accountants might be a bit funny...

87
00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:33,160
PHONE RINGS

88
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,840
Hello? ..Yes, Jane.
..Oh, right.

89
00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:39,800
OK. Yeah. Mm-hm.

90
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:43,520
WHIRRS
Yeah, all right.

91
00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:48,400
Bernard, I've just gotta pop off.
What, now?!

92
00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:50,400
Yes. I'll see you soon, OK? Bye!

93
00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:57,480
He's always one step ahead!
The cat has left the basket.

94
00:05:57,520 --> 00:05:59,760
The cat has left the basket!

95
00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:03,200
HELICOPTER FLIES OVERHEAD,
SIRENS BLARE

96
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:15,480
Yeah, it's flying, flying. I'm right
on it. It'll be in the pipes soon.

97
00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:17,560
Best thing if I...

98
00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:21,520
You!

99
00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:26,840
Er, Manny.
What's that you're eating? Soup?

100
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,080
It's... extra chunky.

101
00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:37,040
What's in it?

102
00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:39,200
Chunks.

103
00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:44,200
Should I be doing something?
You need the accounts now?

104
00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:46,800
I would have e-mailed them,

105
00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:51,040
but I had a lot of clink on the...
stuff I expanded and, er...

106
00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:53,240
plug went in some Tizer.

107
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:56,640
Shape up or ship out! All right?

108
00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:14,920
Urro?

109
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:18,520
Ow are oo? Yur,... yur,...

110
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,760
I'm chasing up the, er...

111
00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:25,520
..the tom-tur-tount.

112
00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:27,800
Yeah, OK. Bye.

113
00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:37,760
"Visualise the ocean."

114
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:43,880
ARGH! Get...back!

115
00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:47,560
Oh! "Calm ocean."

116
00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:52,200
Right, come on,
we must get Friday's invoices.

117
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:55,000
OK. Coming.

118
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:03,840
HE GASPS

119
00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:09,360
HE CHOKES: I swallowed
The Little Book of Calm!

120
00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:11,400
SIREN

121
00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:16,840
Is it some kind of bald furby?

122
00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:23,160
Bernard! Early closing?
How'd it go?

123
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:28,280
Nick the accountant!
Nick the accountant..is a fugitive!

124
00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:34,040
I'm not doing my accounts!

125
00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:35,080
Why?

126
00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:37,200
Because you can stick it
up your arse.

127
00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:41,520
You'll have to do them yourself.
It's quite easy.

128
00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:44,040
Yeah, give it...give it a go.

129
00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:47,360
I'm sure I could muddle along.

130
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,600
WHAT?! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!

131
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:54,000
THE WHAT?!

132
00:08:54,040 --> 00:09:01,320
"If you live in a council flat beside
a river, but are not blind... " WHAT?

133
00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:05,040
"What is your mother's maiden name?"
What's her first name?!

134
00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:09,080
I knew her as Ma!
Ma, that'll have to do. Ma.

135
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:13,000
Possibly deceased.

136
00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:18,520
"Did your non-returnable outgoings
for the first half year

137
00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:21,840
"exceed your deductions
for quarterly VAT returns?"

138
00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:29,160
Right. That's all my socks paired.

139
00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:31,480
Back to the accounts.

140
00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:34,240
OK.

141
00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:38,440
for the half year

142
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:49,280
RINGING TONE

143
00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:51,880
Hello, Ma? Bernard.

144
00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:56,520
No, nothing's wrong. I don't need
an excuse to call my mother, do I?

145
00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:03,080
I am, yeah. I know. Yes. Yes.

146
00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:09,120
Yes, I will. I know. Yes. Yes!
I know. Yep. OK. Yeah.

147
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:11,040
GOODBYE-I-HAVE-TO-DO-MY-TAX!

148
00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:18,440
"Did your non-returnable
outgoings for the first half...?"

149
00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:21,160
INSISTENT KNOCKING AT DOOR andgt;
Ah, thank Christ!

150
00:10:24,680 --> 00:10:25,720
Yes?

151
00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:28,560
Hello, we're wondering if
we could talk to you about Jesus?

152
00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:33,560
GREAT! COME IN!

153
00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:36,560
What?

154
00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:40,520
I'd love to hear about Jesus!
What's he up to now? Come on in.

155
00:10:40,560 --> 00:10:41,840
Are you sure?

156
00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:45,000
YES! IN! IN! COME IN!
It's a trick!

157
00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:48,480
It's just, Generally...
people don't say yes.

158
00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:51,240
WELL, I'M NOT PEOPLE.
COME ON IN. LET'S TALK BELIEFS.

159
00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:55,800
Come in. Come in.
Grab a pew.

160
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:07,120
Right. Let's go.

161
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:09,560
Well, er...to be honest,...

162
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:12,800
we've never actually
thought this far ahead.

163
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:18,800
It's nice in here. Indoors.

164
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:25,040
What's your favourite story
about, erm... Our Lord?

165
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:31,840
Money lenders!
Has to be the money lenders.

166
00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:33,480
Chasing them out of the temple.

167
00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:37,080
It is knock-out stuff, isn't it?

168
00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:38,760
And yourself?

169
00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:40,840
Oh, well, it's all good. Erm...

170
00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:44,880
but I suppose when He rescued...
when Jesus rescued the Samaritan.

171
00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:49,520
No, Jesus tells that story about the
Samaritan, who helped somebody else.

172
00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:52,560
Really? Yeah. Wow!

173
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:56,040
And I like the one where He went
to dinner with a tax collector.

174
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:04,280
Do you have any literature or...
or anything I could look... at...?

175
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:09,920
Oh, yes! Those books and magazines
we have! Books and magazines!

176
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,160
STEADY BEEPS

177
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:19,600
Ah! There you are.
Erm... Time for my results?

178
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:23,080
Well, it's rather bad news,
I'm afraid, Mr Bianco.

179
00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:27,560
The Little Book Of Calm is between
the small intestine and pancreas.

180
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:31,760
If it rotates 1-2cm left,
you'll be dead in seconds.

181
00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:33,080
Oh, my God!

182
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:35,120
That's just the worst-case scenario.

183
00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:37,920
The other possibility -
and this is far more likely -

184
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:41,560
is that The Little Book Of Calm will
move right into the renal canal.

185
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:44,640
If this happens, you could live
for anything up to...

186
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:47,200
ten years, one year, who knows?

187
00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:51,400
Because of the massive scarring
caused by The Little Book Of Calm,

188
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:53,960
it is possible you'll be
in a massive amount of pain...

189
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:56,320
..during that time.

190
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:57,720
BEEPER

191
00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:00,040
Sorry about this. Must go.

192
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:01,880
We'll operate to see what we can do.

193
00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:05,120
There's a good you'll survive.
A 30% chance.

194
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:07,240
So try not to worry.

195
00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:10,000
As the book itself says, erm...

196
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:13,640
"Whenever you're in a tight spot,

197
00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:17,560
"try to imagine yourself marooned
on a beautiful desert island."

198
00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:24,880
Hah! He said that because NO-ONE'S
without sin, is that right?

199
00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:27,520
Yeah, that's what he was...
But it was hidden!

200
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:30,400
So it sounds like God and Jesus
are the one thing?!

201
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,560
You got it! Sure you won't stay?

202
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:35,640
Ah, no, we have to go.
It's very late.

203
00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:37,520
OK, all right, whatever.

204
00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:38,960
Call again, though.

205
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:40,400
Oh, yes, yes.

206
00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:46,240
Ha-ha, yeah, yeah.

207
00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:53,080
CHOKED-UP: Goodbye!
Yeah, later.

208
00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:16,160
Bernard? Finished your accounts?

209
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:18,240
Yeah. I turned them into...

210
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:20,040
a rather smart casual jacket.

211
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:31,960
Bernard! It is a nice jacket,
but what about your accounts?

212
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:34,720
I dunno. Will you do them?

213
00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:39,880
Look, you've got that wrong, for
a start. Divide by 10, there.

214
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,040
No! I'm not doing this.

215
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:47,360
I have to give my attention
to being Julie's birth partner.

216
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:53,520
Look-look-look what's written on
the side - 15.99 - no, I wrote that.

217
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,040
What'll I do now? Who'll help me?!

218
00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:59,120
Ah, Mr Bianco, back with us at last.

219
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:02,160
There's been...a...complication.

220
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:05,600
We went in
to remove the book and, erm...

221
00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:10,600
Well, er... In medical terms,
it's gone! It's not there.

222
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:16,560
I don't know how but you assimilated
it into your system overnight...

223
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,160
which is, of course, impossible.

224
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:25,400
How do you feel?

225
00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:31,560
Add a drop of lavender to your bath
and soon you'll soak yourself calm.

226
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:33,240
Sorry?

227
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:38,120
If you want to feel calm,
eat more raw fruit and vegetables.

228
00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:41,840
Yoghurt, milk and seeds.

229
00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:44,760
Er, maybe you should get some rest.

230
00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:48,040
When you rest, you are a king
surveying your estate.

231
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,960
Look at the woodland,
the peacocks on the lawn,

232
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:54,800
be king of your own calm kingdom.

233
00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:56,920
Er...

234
00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:00,600
GOT IT!
I'M DOING THEM!

235
00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:04,440
This is so simple.
It's for giving up sugar.

236
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,800
Yeah. That's what it's not.

237
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,240
No, that's absurd, isn't it?

238
00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:11,320
What's this, now?

239
00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:14,440
"Blah-blah-blah-blah blah-blah-blah

240
00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:19,120
"Exemption clause: Persons suffering
from injury or sickness

241
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:23,440
"may defer their returns until..."
Wait!

242
00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:29,520
"Persons suffering from injury or
sickness may defer their returns..."

243
00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:31,560
Ah-hah!

244
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:36,280
No, give it up. You'd have
to really cripple yourself.

245
00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:39,440
You'd not do that
to avoid doing accounts.

246
00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:47,080
We've got a special offer on this.

247
00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:50,320
Really?
Yes, it's free if you break my legs.

248
00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:53,760
Fair enough.
Great!

249
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,880
I'll get a hobbling post. OK.

250
00:16:55,920 --> 00:17:00,160
Wait. I've read this one.
That's the problem with Wodehouse.

251
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,120
Yes. He's terrible.
Hurry up. Break my legs.

252
00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:04,480
But I've already read it.
No. Sorry. Got to go.

253
00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:10,640
What is this?! What is this?! Have
you any idea what the hell this is?!

254
00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:16,920
"Would the birth partner of Julie
Williams report to Delivery Room 1?"

255
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:19,880
(HEAVENLY CHOIR)

256
00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:24,520


257
00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:27,480
andlt; HELP!

258
00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:29,920
WHERE'S MY BIRTH PARTNER?

259
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:34,000
I can't do this without
my birth partner. Where is she?

260
00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:36,440
We can't find her.

261
00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:38,920
We've been calling all day.

262
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:43,000
When you're feeling under pressure,
do something different.

263
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:45,360
Roll up your sleeves
or eat an orange.

264
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:49,280


265
00:17:56,360 --> 00:17:58,640
DOG BARKS

266
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:08,320
DOG STOPS

267
00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:12,360
CAR ALARM

268
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,040
ALARM STOPS

269
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:23,080
Is it some kind of fake breast?

270
00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:25,320
You know, that dads wear.

271
00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:31,000
What are you talking about?
You know, for babies.

272
00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:32,720
Ba...?!

273
00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:35,960
Babies! Oh, my God! Julie!

274
00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:42,720
Look for things to make you laugh.

275
00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:46,400
If you see nothing worth laughing
at pretend you do, then laugh.

276
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:48,200
What...? What, er...?

277
00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:50,560
Oi! Hairy! andgt;

278
00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:58,400
What you lookin' at?!

279
00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:02,480
Have you ever seen a calm person
with a loud voice?

280
00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:04,160
Try and speak softly.

281
00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:10,080
Add a dab of lavender to milk,

282
00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:13,280
leave town with an orange
and pretend you're laughing at it.

283
00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:23,760
You lot, clear off. I have to
do a few, you know, I have to...

284
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:27,040
What? Skinheads! Perfect! Ha-ha!

285
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:30,800
You fink you're funny?

286
00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:32,240
Wha...what happened?

287
00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:34,840
Lookin' fer anuver slap, are ya?

288
00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:36,720
Looking for another slap?

289
00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:39,240
Which one of you bitches
wants to dance?

290
00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:47,400
Hey, when you're doing the usual
threesome thing you do at weekends,

291
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:50,520
and the moonlight's bouncing
off your heads and arses,

292
00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:52,120
does that not get confusing?

293
00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:57,760
Right. Look, this is you, OK?

294
00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:00,520
HE SINGS FALSETTO

295
00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:08,520
Millwall? That's the one.

296
00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:10,440
Do you know this chant?

297
00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:13,600
Millwall, Millwall,
you're all really dreadful

298
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:17,240
and all your girlfriends
are unfulfilled and alienated...

299
00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:22,480
(HEAVENLY CHORUS)

300
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:24,880


301
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,520


302
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:31,760


303
00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:35,360


304
00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:39,840


305
00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:44,680


306
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:46,960
Are you in pain?

307
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:50,120
NOT ENOUGH! Where have they gone?!

308
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:54,960
Oh, er, they got tired and
went away. Why did you do that?

309
00:20:55,000 --> 00:21:01,200
That was just so incredible, the way
you let them punch you. Thank you.

310
00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:04,840
I'm gravely injured. I don't have
to do my accounts. You're a witness.

311
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:06,360
KNOCK AT DOOR

312
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,240
Well, I could do your accounts.

313
00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:11,920
Well, I'm an accountant. Was one.

314
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:13,880
Er, it's the least I could do.

315
00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:18,000
You mean you could do more?
Could I have a glass of wine?

316
00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:21,480
And a ham sandwich.

317
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:24,440
If you like.
With a pickle?

318
00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:26,280
All right.

319
00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:32,160
THEY SCREAM

320
00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:44,200
You get started on that and
I'll begin the business of the day.

321
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:47,400
Car won't start!
Cab number! Cab number!

322
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:51,320
Gotta get to Julie.

323
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:56,520
SHE SCREAMS